Written by: Sapir Sluzker Amran
Translation: Beth Orshalimy
Different kinds of pain can exist in parallel. There is enough pain in the world, there is enough pain within me. I will not apologize for mourning a girl who died in Gaza just as I will not apologize for the suffocating and paralyzing pain of the families of those who were brutally murdered by Hamas. I was born during the Gulf War. A baby girl in a protected playpen. I'm afraid to have children. Scared to death. Longing and afraid.
My pain and empathy have no limits. At first I couldn't watch videos from Gaza and I didn't want to hear about them. I wanted to be together with my people, to try to start picking up the pieces. But as the days pass, the heartbreak only grows. My tears don't stop at the fence and don't get stuck at the barrier. Abroad, I shouted several times at political gatherings at people who justified violence against Israelis because of the occupation. This is repulsive and I have absolutely nothing in common with these people.
We have fought in the streets for the right to live in dignity, well-being, and security – for
everyone everywhere. And for good reason, we hear the voices of the families of the abducted and murdered, asking to stop the killing. Because the blood of a girl in Gaza does not cancel out the blood that has already been spilled in Israel. If I stop believing that, then I should put a bullet in my head now, to move on to the next world and find out if it is better than this one.
I love my country. I am frightened by all the pictures of the missing and the kidnapped in my feed. The times my peers and I were called "traitor",for not supporting the government, broke my heart and still haunt me. I am not ashamed to be Israeli. I don't apologize for it, ever. I was born here, into this reality, and I try to do everything possible to make it better. I grew up and chose to continue living here. This is my home and I have no other. I see how beautiful and united my country can be. How much love there is . And now this beautiful nation, which is warm and loving, must be compassionate and kind, like God in heaven, even to those beyond the fence, families who just want to live. The ones who woke up on Saturday morning, just like we did, with plans to go to a picnic at the sea or visit their grandparents, and did not take part in the horrible massacre that I cannot digest at all.
There are families right now in Gaza that have been completely wiped out. No relatives left. I read about a family arguing about which is better, to die together at home, or for everyone to run to different places, so the family line will continue. . Hamas has reigned of terrorist them as well, and now hides while they die. Those who tried to resist were imprisoned or executed. Gay people were thrown from rooftops.
Supporting Palestinians who just want to live does not mean supporting Hamas.. It’s ridiculous to even have to explain it. How can I be happy, how can I be happy, when the people there have no water or food? And there is no escape, because Egypt has opened its borders only to those who hold foreign citizenship.
I am writing this, while most of the time, when I manage to function at all, is spent helping those who were rescued and working to free the abducted. Why am I writing this at all? What am I trying to prove?? And yet, I'm writing, because even the obvious must be said.
My words are not accurate. I can hardly concentrate. But please, enough, shut up already. Stop looking for traitors among us. I don't need to be graded if I’m expressing enough solidarity, or just because I don't ask for more death and more pain. I'm sick of death. I want children and I don't know how to bring them to such a world, to such a reality. A video popped up in my feed of a woman from Gaza, my age, fleeing for her life. Then a video of young women dancing in Nova, before the shooting started. We could all dance together in another world, and I have to keep imagining that world or I'll go crazy. If people who’ve lost the most precious thing in the world still believe, who are we to stop believing?
I don't want to die. I don't want any innocent people to lose their lives. Palestinians and Jews. If we don't ask for life, if we don't ask for hope, then we might as well leave this cursed earth.
I'm not a soldier. I don't have a weapon. But these days I’m fighting for my humanity and the humanity of my people. Mayt He make peace in the high places for all the people of Israel and for all the nations. Revenge is not a policy, revenge will only bring more suffering to those who are already suffering. Fight for the lives of those who just want to live.
